I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
25 People Reveal The Creepiest Kids They Went to School With
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
17 Subtle Body Language Signs That Reveal A Lot About Someone
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!