she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
21 People Who Barely Escaped Death
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.