well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
