let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
The air was thick with penises
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
