So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
