mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
