She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
