We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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