Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
