Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
