I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Drunk is a universal language darling
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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