I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Randomize
