Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
