This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
