I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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