I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
