Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
