i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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