Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Randomize
