Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
