dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
