First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
You ruined the universe
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
