I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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