Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
