You can't motorboat a personality
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM