my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
25 People Admit the Worst Things They’ve Done for Good Reasons
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
25 Things All Men Can Definitely Agree On
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.