yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
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Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
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Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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