I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
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Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
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You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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