all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
