Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.