I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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