I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
