how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
Princesses don't give blow jobs
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Randomize
