I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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