We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
