i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
