vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Randomize
