Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
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Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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