You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Randomize
