I'm going to jail i love you
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
