in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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