if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
