I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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