drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
