make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
