The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
