her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
