Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
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