Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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