Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
