Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Randomize
