I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Randomize
