Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
