The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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