Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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