oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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