i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
