Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
