I accidentally burped into my bong.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Randomize
